


What Will it Take For You to Live?

by Mycelle



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Connor & Upgraded Connor | RK900 are Siblings, Deviant Upgraded Connor | RK900, Groundhog Day, M/M, Minor Hank Anderson/Connor, Post-Peaceful Android Revolution (Detroit: Become Human), Protective Upgraded Connor | RK900, RK900 is called Nines, Tags Are Hard, The AU where the day keeps repeating, Upgraded Connor | RK900 Has a Different Name, and it's the one where Gavin dies, eventually, if you squint really hard - Freeform, minor hankcon in the background, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2019-10-30 18:49:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17834150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mycelle/pseuds/Mycelle
Summary: > hey> morning dipshitNines boots up out of stasis, taking a moment to let his systems start back up before he directs his full attention to the messages flashing across his screen. He smiles, feels his lips slightly twitch upwards with that warm feeling of fondness that only one person could give him. So his human had woken up early today.> And a pleasant morning to you too, Gavin.~~~~~~~~~The one where the day Gavin dies repeats without end...or does it?





	1. Nine Lives, None of Them Yours

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hello welcome to the angst train hope you enjoy your ride; it'll be a long one if my writer's block has anything to say about it, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.
> 
> I'm going to admit I've never watched Groundhog Day before but uh I like the idea of the day of Gavin's death endlessly repeating so here we are.
> 
> Reminds me of a [song called Kagerou Days](https://youtu.be/A7KNYk4f3XQ) tbh (blood/death tw if you wish to listen to it) 
> 
> There's a happy ending at the end of this, I promise.
> 
> Idea for this comes from [thatfunklesbian writer](https://thatfunkylesbianwriter.tumblr.com/post/181144049817/hhhhhhhhhhhhh) who also has an [AO3!](https://www.archiveofourown.org/users/Hey_There_Cowboy)

**> hey**

**> morning dipshit **

Nines boots up out of stasis, taking a moment to let his systems start back up before he directs his full attention to the messages flashing across his screen.

He smiles, feels his lips slightly twitch upwards with that warm feeling of fondness that only one person could give him. So his human had woken up early today.

**> And a pleasant morning to you too, Gavin. **

Perhaps once upon a time not too long ago, the RK900 would have addressed him with nothing but _Detective_ , but those days were long past them, and he for one was quite delighted with how much their relationship had progressed from their first meeting, though the memory of the android flipping the detective across the table was one he has stored securely in his folder solely dedicated to Gavin.

**> What brings you up so early?**

It was unlike Gavin to wake up before Nines did, which was at a precise 7:15 am. It was currently 6:59 am.

**> eh, just woke up from a nightmare is all, no big deal**

Nines frowned at that. It wasn't a big deal logically, but quite an important ordeal to him. He knew only some of the demons that the detective had within him, didn't need to look through his records to know he's had more than enough cases that would haunt his dreams. The android wished he could somehow protect Gavin from those kinds of dreams, but instead he settled for what was plausible.

**> I am sorry to hear that. Shall we get a cup of coffee from that store you like the most before we head to the precinct? **

Only a quick moment passed before a response.

**> that sounds fucking amazing**

Nines felt his lips curl into a smile again.

**~~~~~~~~~**

The day passes by without much disturbance. They pick up the coffee together, and Gavin makes obscene noises as he drinks his triple venti caramel macchiato (Nines makes a note that they aren't allowed to go to that place for at least a week; he was too concerned for Gavin’s health). There wasn't an urgent case that needed to be investigated, so the two of them worked on reports that still needed to be finished.

Gavin, of course, did not in fact work on the reports like he was supposed to, though Nines supposed he could forgive him just this once, what with the rough start to his morning, as well as the fact that there weren’t too many reports that needed to be done. The light bump of their knees together and Gavin occasionally resting his head on his shoulder--a rare gesture of public affection--was certainly not opposed by the RK900, either, and he took it as compensation.

But then things started to get more interesting into the afternoon. They were called in to investigate a drug lord’s potential hideout. Nines was ready to head out, but just as he was about to do so, he noticed Gavin’s stress levels seemingly start to rise a bit above average.

“Is there something wrong, Gavin?” He frowned, trying to identify what was the source of Gavin’s stress. He, just like Nines, often craved action instead of simply sitting behind a desk and doing paperwork. Gavin, however, seemed to be in a daze of sorts, a frown plastered onto his handsome features before he blinked out of it and looked up at Nines.

“Huh? Oh, no, I’m good,” the human waved it off and stood up, stretching. “We headin’ over there or not?”

Nines frowned, eyes still scanning the detective for any signs that point to what had caused the sudden spike, but his stress levels had already dropped back to acceptable levels, so all he could really say was, “Let us go, then.”

For some reason, Nines couldn't shake the feeling of premonition welling up inside him.

**~~~~~~~~~**

They head over to the address given to them. It seemed to be a rundown building, and it was quite clear that not many legal activities went down in such a place.

Nines hadn't talked about the growing sense of forewarning that tugged at the back of his processors, and instead he decided to listen to the ‘metal’ music that blared through the speakers in Gavin’s car. Gavin himself had also been fairly quiet, though he supposed that had to do with the fact that he wasn't sufficiently energized and needed to focus on the road. Still, it inevitably added to what the android thought was a sense of slight trepidation as they got out of the car.

“So,” Nines heard Gavin take in a breath as he slammed the car door shut. “This the place?”

Nines’s eyes flickered over him, his processors still trying to look for a cause to something that was no longer there before he nodded. “This is the address given to us by the captain, yes.” He watched as Gavin eyed the rundown building from top to bottom before the detective makes a nod and sucks in another breath.

“Right, uh, you think anyone in there?”

“...With the current state of the building as well as the fact that there hasn’t been reported activity recently, I would not think so,” he made eye contact with Gavin, trying to find out why his stress levels were beginning to rise again, “but, perhaps you think otherwise?” Gavin looked back at him with those deep gray eyes that the android could spend ages analyzing every little way the light refracted against them, but for right now, he took in the way those eyes seemed to be looking at him pleadingly, as if Nines was supposed to glean something that wasn’t outwardly spoken.

He frowned, eyes flickering over the detective’s as he tries to understand what it is he apparently seemed to be pleading for. “Gavin?” He felt that sense of premonition tug at the back of his mind once more as Gavin flinched and blinked, almost as if he was surprised at having his name called.

“Huh? Oh, uh, nah, maybe, I guess?” the human scrambled for words before shaking his head and waving his hand. “It’s--whatever. Dunno what I was thinking, sorry.” A frown creased across Nines’s forehead.

“Are you sure you're alright, Gavin?” Even he could hear the concern laced within his usually-collected tone. He knew he had already asked the same question earlier, though, and knows from experience that he should not push him, but yet he hoped to hear _something_ from the detective. The uneasy feeling in his pump would not allow him to drop his concerns so easily. “You seem...on edge, today.” He picks his words wisely, not wanting to say something that might trigger the detective, but still wanting to convey his worry nonetheless.

Gavin’s eyes flickers over Nines’s, and for a brief moment he sees that pleading look hidden behind those gray, gray shades before Gavin simply huff and looks away. “Yeah, well, it's a creepy-ass building, how do ya’ expect me to feel?” He attempts to lift his shoulders in a half-hearted shrug. “And I need some more coffee, so sue me.”

Nines attempts a small grin at that, hoping to ease the slightly high levels of his detective’s stress. “Perhaps we can visit another cafe after this investigation, then,” he offers before promptly adding, “with restraints to the quantity of sugar in your drink, of course.” He believed that teasing has always been something that he and the detective have always bonded over, but he admittedly panics for a good moment when Gavin doesn't seem to react to his words before the feeling qualms and turns into that fluttery warmth when Gavin flashes him that rare, rare grin that the android has a special folder dedicated to it.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

With that, they head in, and Nines followed closely behind the detective as he quickly tucked that screenshot into the special little folder of his.

If Gavin’s grin had a sadder tone to it compared to the other pictures within his folder, Nines didn't notice.

**~~~~~~~~~**

As he had expected, the building was completely empty, but Nines was starting to get a bit skeptical. He picked up on traces of red ice and other miscellaneous drugs here and there, but no signs of life. He frowned, studying the abandoned pile of drugs simply laying out on an old table. There were clear signs that a drug lord or at least a drug establishment facilitated this building, and the drugs he was currently analyzing were not that old.

“Hey, Nines.” Ah, what timing. The android turned his head towards Gavin, who’s now next to a closed door. He must have finished investigating the room next to the one they were currently in. “I’ma open this,” he points to the door nonchalantly as he reaches for the doorknob. Nines frowned at that and took a moment to assess. There was no way that the suspects were in that room, right? They had encountered maybe closed doors already, and none of them held any danger towards either them.

“Wait,” he blurts out despite himself, however. Gavin pauses and looks at him, and Nines knows he has to explain why he's making him wait, why there's still something nagging him at the back of his mind that’s telling him something is not right. “You should try to proceed with caution,” he decides to say instead, because he has no basis for the feeling of premonition within him, and therefore feels like he's just being a little paranoid. Connor had told him that he often feels the same when it comes to Hank.

But Gavin, being the beautifully insufferable man he is, scoffs and shakes his head. “Nah, I’ll be okay. You know me, Nines.”

Yes, he does in fact know Gavin. He knows how capable he is of taking care of himself in dangerous situations, and he knows that Gavin wasn't one to be easily taken down. Besides, the calculated chances of danger were a low 20%.

Still, the sense of dread within him lingered, intensified, actually, and Nines suddenly thinks that this idea isn't such a good one anymore.

He reaches out to grab Gavin’s arm to stop him, to tell him that they should probably wait for backup, but then Gavin opens the door and heads in before he could do so, and then a single gunshot is fired not a moment sooner.

Nines feels something warm and wet splatter across the sleeve of his Cyberlife-issued jacket, the one he has yet to part with. And then he hears something crumple to the floor.

It takes him a very long moment to process what had just happened. To piece the events together.

They had been expecting them. The suspects been waiting for them to open the door ever since they came in.

One of them fired a shot point-blank. The bullet’s trajectory lined up perfectly with Gavin’s head.

Gavin’s body was the one that fell to the floor.

Gavin is **d͕͍͘͟͡e̺̬̝̹͖̪͞a̸͉̩̰͓͡d̜̘**.

That final piece being fitted together is what makes his systems crash. He doesn't know what happens for a good few moments, knows his body is moving but doesn't feel like it’s his own. Splotches of gray and blue and red and _red_ fill his sight and blinds him for who knows how long until, before he knows it, he’s kneeling against the floor, gaze set upon Gavin again, who's lying lifelessly on the floor with the pool of blood under his head slowly expanding.

He doesn't notice Hank and Connor come crashing in, doesn’t see how he himself is covered in blood that's a mixture of both blue and red but mostly the latter. He just stares at Gavin’s dead, empty eyes.

All of a sudden, he feels like he’s hyperventilating (i̸T hUŗT͘S) and he can’t breathe; it doesn't matter that he doesn't need oxygen to sustain his life, he only knows he just _can’t breathe_ , and he claws at his chest trying to make it _stop_.

His vision is starting to fade out at this point, his systems all crumbling with his incredulous levels of stress, but he doesn’t care, _he doesn’t care_ . He doesn’t care how Hank cries out for him, or how Connor is racing to reach him. He can’t stop looking at the detective, _his_ detective, **_his partner_ **.

He doesn’t register the way his systems were forcing him into a shutdown, doesn’t notice the way his vision starts to fade into a staticky gray. All he could think about was the heavy, _heavy_ feeling of **R̶̗̯͚E҉͕̦̭̮̹̣͚̗̤G͉̪̬̟͡R͏̦͓̺̝͠ͅE̯̼̰͈̝̘̳̺̮͡T͙ͅ** clawing at his chest.

 _He doesn't--he never--_ **He Ne̷veR ͝g͟͠O͏͘T͝ ͘͜ţ̢̧HE ͝͏** **_ChA̷̶̹̱̥̤ͅṉ̯͔̘͍̼̙̱͖͢͢C̫͞E̮͎͕ ̢̱͈̟̘͉̗Ṱ̵O͕̘̰͢͢͝ͅ-̵̢̜̠͙̜̲̯̠̗͜ͅ-̷͓͕͓̥͚͙͢_ **

He doesn't feel the hands that grab him and desperately try to pull his arms away from the claw marks now embedded in his chest.

He doesn't hear the yelling for him to stop and listen and breathe.

He only sees error messages fill his vision as that tightness in his chest threatens to kill him then and there.

He finds himself wanting it too, honestly. Perhaps then the pain can **S̨̲̖̹͠T͏̸̼̪̼̳͎̘͕͓ͅƠ̺̘P̷̷̴͎͍̺͚̣͚͚̝**.

***̸͜[͜͞E͝҉̶̛R̷̛͘͜͟R̴͏O̢͟R̴E̴͢9̸̢͟͠A̶̧͏͘R̸͞͏A̶̢̛͟E͠͏R̡͞͡9̸̧A̵̡̛͟O̢̕͝E̷͠R9̵͢O̷҉̛͝ER̛͡Ơ̸̧͟E̛͟R̵̕͞͡E͏̛͝O̴͘͡Ŗ̛͞9̶͟͞A̧̢͜E̶̴̵̛͢]̵*̡͘͠͠͏**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**> hey**

**> morning dipshit **

Nines boots up out of stasis, taking a moment to let his systems start back up before he directs his full attention to the messages flashing across his screen.

He smiles, feels his lips slightly twitch upwards with that warm feeling of fondness that only one person could give him. So his human had woken up early today.

**> And a pleasant morning to you too, Gavin.**


	2. That Wasn't in the Script, Chief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another death, another repeat, another run. Gavin knew the script, by now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *flops down* aaaAAAAAAAA hi this took so long to write because _motivation don't know her_. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!! Here's where plot starts happening ;-)
> 
> (Please don't mind any grammar mistakes,,,this was mostly written at 12:00am for a series of days,,,,)

Gavin jolts awake with a strangled gasp. His heart was fucking  _ pounding _ , pure adrenaline and instinct and  _ fear _ coursing through him. He forced himself to just fucking  _ breathe _ , a hand coming up to clutch his chest. Years of police training and being on homicide had built up his reaction time.

He supposed he could add a few more years to that, since he’s been experiencing the same damn event over and over for about that long, or wait--fuck, just how long had it been, already? He lost fucking count so, so long ago. 

He rubs a hand through his face, taking deep breaths to stabilize his heart rate, just as he’d done many times before.  _ He’d experienced the same thing so many fucking times, and yet he still acted like it was the first.  _ If he wasn’t so fucking tired of it all, he’d laugh at himself for not having gotten used to the feeling of the world ending in a split second, of the darkness that lies between death and sleep. He wonders if the darkness was him asleep, immediately restarting the day, or if that really was a taste of death: neverending darkness. 

_ Welp, that’s not a train of thought I’d like to board _ . He forced himself to reach for his phone on the edge of his nightstand, letting the blue light fill his vision. He closed his eyes and breathed once, twice through his nose. His fingers practically memorized the order of which buttons to press by now.

**> hey**

**> morning dipshit **

He stares at the messages alit across the screen.  _ And so another run begins. _ Time to go through the script again, he supposed. 

Nines was going to greet him, they were gonna banter for a bit, and then they’d go to his favorite cafe and he’d order his “favorite drink” (to be honest he’s god-fucking sick of what used to be his favorite, so he changes it up every go). He used to also actually do shit when they got the precinct, but looking at the same case files and doing the same fucking report hundreds of times got fucking stale and depressing to do, so he had dipped out of it long ago, and it wasn’t “out of script,” since it was something that people “expected” out of him. 

When he decided ‘fuck it’ and started doing that good ol’ PDA shit with Nines here and there while skipping out on work, he was rather glad the android didn’t question it. Sometimes, he thought about outright pulling the android towards him and crashing their lips together, because why the fuck not, if everything’s going to reset the moment he dies? He hasn’t ever done it while they’re at the precinct; he was too afraid that it might fuck something up and Nines would have to die again, but he admits there were some times before he expired that he’d pull the android into a blind kiss. If he closed his eyes, maybe, just maybe he could remember what it felt like to have Nines’s lips against his own--

But then his phone buzzes and all of his concentration is lost. 

_ Well, it’s not like it ever matters _ . Gavin sighs and rolls over in his bed.  _ He never remembers it anyway. _

He brings the phone up to his face and reads the message that he’s seen far too many times

**> morning, gavin**

..Except, that isn’t the message he’s used to seeing.

Gavin blinks. Before his mind could jump to any irrational conclusions, he told himself there were bound to be tiny deviations (wow what a joke) here and there; every run had its little variations, from Nines’s remarks changing here and there to Hank occasionally bothering him once before they leave for the drug ring hideout, but ultimately, the result had been the same, no matter what little changes there were. 

It always was.

**> wow, no punctuation? the world must be ending**

It felt weird, honestly, to type out a message that wasn’t usually in the “script”. He knows that the world will in fact  _ not _ end, not with how this day kept fucking repeating, at least, but he thinks that’s what he would say if this was just like any other day. Sometimes, he wonders if he’s ever truly acting like himself; he’s long forgotten what the regular life of Gavin Reed was like when his death day didn’t go on loop for eternity. He wonders if he’s really acting normal or if he’s just going by the script at this point  ( ~~he wonders, but he’s pretty fucking sure it’s the latter~~ ) .

He remembered how the first few go-arounds, he had tried to make things differently; frantically told people his dilemma, tried to somehow convince them that the day of his fucking death was on loop and he wanted  _ out _ somehow. He remembered how Hank had just shaken his head at him and left, while Connor just smiled politely and nodded.

He remembered how Nines had assured him that everything was okay and that his caffeine intake was probably too high for his own good.

He also remembered how the one time he had tried to dodge the bullet, Nines had taken it instead; and the time he tried to find a different way to ambush the suspects, Nines somehow lost his grip while climbing the building, and Gavin could never forget the sight of his crumpled body (it hadn’t even been a horrible fall, and yet, he knew he was fucking dead); and then there was the time he tried to just not go to the drug hideout at  _ all _ , but whatever was fucking making the day loop didn’t ever want him to get  _ out _ of it, and so a crazy shooter just so happened to burst in on the precinct, and Nines just so happened to take a bullet right in the thirium pump.

So in the end, no matter how many different ways he tried to come up with to survive again and again and again, they always,  _ always _ ended up with him inevitably dying somehow, or Nines taking his place. 

There was one time where Nines had straight up shielded him from the bullet without Gavin even trying to dodge it, and the moment Gavin had felt thirium splatter across his face and chest as the bullet went straight into the android was when he decidedly stopped trying to change his fate. Images of Nines’s lifeless face and bleeding body in various positions would haunt him forever, and at this point, if he got to see Nines just before the bullet hit, got to see him yell for him and actually give a shit about a lowlife like him, then that was enough. 

That was what he liked to tell himself, anyways. 

There was no response from Nines for a good full minute, and it made Gavin’s chest start to constrict with panic. It reminded him of the one time Nines had insisted he come over to Gavin’s place when he had told him he didn’t want to go to work today, only to end up in the middle of a car crash. 

Not wanting him to fucking die and have another repeat so quickly, Gavin scrambled to type out a message, hoping it didn’t sound too “out of character”.

**> what gives anyway? you’re always such a grammar nazi**

Yeah, that sounds about right, he thinks. He’s not sure if he has good judgment on that anymore, but whatever, at least it earns him a response.

**> I suppose I had a...nightmare, of sorts**

Gavin could have pointed out that his I’s were now capitalized, but his brain more so freezed and focused on the actual content of his message. 

**> ..Are you awake this early because of a nightmare, as well? **

_ Oh that’s. Too on the fucking nose. Wait. Hold the fuck up.  _

Gavin can feel his heart rate starting to accelerate as he read the android’s messages over and over, making sure he wasn’t actually hallucinating this shit. There was no fucking way he actually-- _ no _ , no way. 

He really,  _ really _ shouldn’t put up his hopes like that, and honestly, he wasn’t sure if his heart beating faster was due to hope, or fear. He didn’t want to find out and decided that he wasn’t known to wake up so early, so a nightmare is an easy guess to make. Yeah. That’s totally legit. 

**> ya caught me**

He bites his lip. Should he? Fuck.

**> didn’t know androids could have nightmares though**

**> what did ya dream about, humans taking over the world? **

Welp, he did it. He hopes to all hell he doesn’t fuck any shit up. He didn’t think he could stomach another Nines death, which seemed bound to happen if things got too out of the quota. 

**> Technically, humans already have taken over the world.**

Gavin breathes a loud sigh of relief. Good, good, things are, going back to normal. He thinks. Which is good. 

He’s pretty fucking sure he didn’t receive an answer to his actual question though, and at this point, he’s not sure if he wants to--

**> As for the content of my nightmare, well...It was nothing of importance.**

Oh, uh, okay, he guessed. Gavin’s surprised he’s actually really torn about wanting to know more and just noping the way out of this new conversation. To play it safe, he decides to go for the latter.

**> well whatever ya say tincan**

And to speed things up--

**> wanna go to my fav cafe? i need the boost with this shitty start to the day and maybe you do too**

**> Androids are unable to drink coffee, Gavin.**

Gavin feels the smile curling onto his lips. Fuck, he can’t help it when it comes to Nines, especially not when he can fucking see the android’s lips quirking upwards ever so slightly accompanying a roll of his pale blue eyes. The fucking things he could do to him despite everything. He quickly shoves his worries to the back of his head where they're not needed. 

**> no reason not to start now**

**~~~~~~~~~**

Luckily, going to the cafe and getting to the precinct had gone according to plan. Gavin ordered a Venti iced vanilla latte with soy milk this time around, and though Nines had been a little...more quiet than usual, a few knee nudges and Gavin resting his chin on his shoulder for a good few minutes made it seem like everything was going to go okay, or at least, as okay as he's grown to have it be. 

However, when they get to the drug ring, Nines looks a lot tenser than he usually is. Some runs, he's calm as all hell and goes through it like any regular old case, and other times, he's more worried about Gavin, because sometimes he lets the fatigue or stress of knowing what's gonna happen show. There were the rare times when Nines seemed a bit skeptical about the place without any prompting from him, but Gavin was always able to convince him that it was nothing. 

“The fuck do you mean? There's no fucking way.” But, this time around, it was a  _ lot  _ harder than he remembered. 

“But don't you think there's a possibility of people being in the building?” Not only does the question itself throw him off--it was always  _ Nines _ who thought that the chances of any signs of life in the building to be low if not nonexistent--but also the  _ insistence  _ on his tone. He almost sounded pleading, like he was trying to reach for something he can't see. Gavin did  _ not  _ like what that implied. 

“Well, are we just gonna stand here and argue or are we actually gonna find some druggies or some shit?” Gavin snapped, hoping to just get things done quickly. It had been a while since things went off course, and he really wasn't in the mood of seeing blue blood splashed across his jacket again. Hopefully, when things reset, it'll go back to normal. 

He still refused to let it go, though. “Perhaps it would be best if we went back and collected more information, or at least maybe called for backup,” Nines suggested, and  _ fuck _ he was giving him the pleading head tilt and frown. Gavin swore his eyes, cold to everyone else, looked the saddest they could ever be like that. He clenched his fists and closed his eyes. 

“Look, Nines, let's just get this shit over with, okay? I'm fucking tired of waiting around.” It comes out a lot harsher than he means it to be, but he can't let himself apologize else risk Nines forcing them back to the precinct, leaving Gavin to play a game of who's going to unpredictably die first. Again. 

“...Alright, Detective.” Gavin winces. He knows that the use of his title meant that Nines was upset with him, but there wasn't much he could do. He'd rather take that then his blood on his hands...more of it, anyway. 

He refuses to take the risk of glancing over to the android and catching sight of his hurt gaze. For all the days he's spent in this cycle, he's learned how to read the android pretty fucking well. 

Whether that's a good thing or not, he couldn’t say, or rather, he refused to answer. 

**~~~~~~~~~**

They're at The Door™ (as Gavin coins it in his head) now, with Gavin on the right and Nines on the left. He knows for sure that their searching took a lot longer than usual, and he also knows it's because Nines was a lot slower and more observant than he usually was, intently scanning every little bit and piece they came across. What made Gavin’s heart jump the most was when the android suspiciously narrows his eyes on something, almost looking as if he was trying to...recall something. 

Nope, no,  _ no _ . If he didn't believe it, it wasn't happening. What were the fucking odds of it happening, anyway? 

Never, in any of the goddamn  _ months _ he's been doing this, has Nines actually remembered what's been going on. 

He doesn't know if he would want him to know at first; he remembered he used to desperately try to explain his situation to Nines, try to somehow convince him of his problem and to just have  _ someone _ there with him so he wouldn't go batshit insane, but he gave up on that a long, long while ago. And, now that he's given it more thought, he's decided that he rather Nines did  _ not  _ know about all this shit. He didn't want him to have to suffer through this like he is, didn't think the android deserved that. 

_ Really gives new meaning to ‘ignorance is bliss’, huh.  _

He mentally shoves away his thoughts and comes back to reality, which was about a few minutes before his death. 

“I’ma open this,” he says like he always says and points to the door like he always does. He learned it was much easier for the criminals to ready their weapons and make things quick if he announced he was going in. 

“Wait,” Nines stops him right on cue. There's some sort of ironic ease that fills Gavin at the familiarity of it, his body visibly relaxing as Nines says, “You should try to proceed with caution.”

Of course Gavin should. He ain't fucking stupid. Honestly, he feels like he pulled out his gun in caution the very first few times. 

But he knows what's going to happen. He's done this more times than he can fucking count. 

“Nah, I’ll be okay. You know me, Nines.” 

But he’s keeping this up, if only for Nines’s sake. 

The same Nines that's put up with all his bullshit since the day they were slapped together as partners. 

The same Nines that looks so calm and stoic on the outside, yet is the one who whines at him that he can't move due to all his cats lounging on him, the android not daring to move an inch or face disturbing “their peaceful slumber”. 

The same Nines who had thrown himself over Gavin to save him more times than he can count (which is a fucking lie; he sure as hell has counted, knows the number, but would rather he didn't know, in all fucking honesty). 

It was because it was the same Nines that he's stopped caring about his death, about his neverending situation. 

If this doesn't show that how much he cares for the fucking android then he doesn't know what will. 

Well, actually, he can think of some ways, but he knows better than to say that he’s literally dying for him. 

With his resolves reinforced, he reaches for the doorknob, readying himself for what to come by running through the script again. He was going to open the door, the suspects, already waiting, were going to point the gun right at his head and shoot, then everything was gonna go black, and then he'd be right back to the start. 

...Except, none of that happens this time. 

“ **_No_ ** .” Gavin  _ flinched _ as he was suddenly thrown way the fuck back as Nines grabbed him by the wrist and harshly tugged him away from the door. He couldn’t help but look up towards him with wide eyes. This, this wasn’t in the fucking script, this hasn't ever  _ happened _ before. 

“H-huh?” 

Nines regarded him with wide icy-blue eyes that both held both a steel resolve and a wavering desperateness to them. “You’re not going in there. You’ll get killed.”

“Wh-..” Gavin tried to laugh the notion off. He prayed to some fucking god that the way his voice nervously shook went unnoticed  ~~ (but really, with Nines, what were the fucking odds) ~~ . “The fuck you talking about? There’s no way I’m gonna die by opening a fucking door.” There actually was a hundred percent chance he was going to fucking die if he so opened that door, such accuracy being brought about by trial and error at least a hundred fucking times, but Nines didn’t need to know any of that, and Gavin sure as hell was gonna try to keep it that way.  

The way Nines looked at him with such an intense gaze made something sick curl within his chest, though. He was starting to believe that he was already too late on that last part, especially when the android still had a vice grip on his wrist. But, denial was one of his best characteristics, and the idea of Nines remembering the many, many fucking times he’s died was, again, not one he wanted to entertain, so he tried redirecting everything back to the way it was supposed to be. “I mean, you said it yourself, didn’t you? This place is fucking deserted.” 

The android blinked at that, confusion becoming etched into his features as his eyes flickered back and forth, seemingly thinking about that notion as his LED whirred a flickering yellow. His grip on his wrist loosened, and Gavin felt fucking relief wash over him. Nines was gonna accept what he was saying, probably apologize like the dumb polite prick he is, and then let him continue with his search; then Gavin can just open the door wide open and practically say “hi! I’m a walking target just for you!” before getting shot again and feeling a momentary burst of pain within his chest before it all goes black.

And then the whole damn thing restarts like a fucking videogame or some shit. He’ll go through the whole routine again, and again, and again, probably until fucking eternity, or whenever the god playing this fucking hell game with him decides to be merciful and let it  _ end _ once and for all. He’d take either at this point, really, but he wasn’t really betting on the latter. 

But then Nines still didn’t let go of his wrist. 

Gavin felt his blood run cold as his partner’s face suddenly went rigid and his eyes narrowed on him like a fucking predator towards his prey. He suddenly felt like he was in the interrogation room and Nines was the one intimidating the fuck out of him, the android’s grip turning into one as tight as death’s (but then again, Death’s personal grip on him was really fucking loose, so that wasn’t such a great analogy to use in his case).

“No, there are…” Nines closed his eyes, his LED flickering between red and yellow, his expression more pained than it was fucking allowed to be. Gavin’s seen that distressed look before, seen them many, many deaths ago, many times just before blue blood had splattered across his vision. “There are three hostages within that room, two of them armed with guns, one of them with a crowbar.” Gavin thought he was going to fucking faint with how lightheaded he suddenly felt and how loud his own fucking heartbeat sounded pounding against his ears. 

“You...you can’t possibly know that,” he breathed, desperately hoping that this was all a fucking dream, that he could somehow convince Nines (and  _ himself _ for that matter) that this wasn’t fucking happening,  _ there was no fucking way _ . He had gone down this rabbit hole far too many times, he couldn’t bear to lose him  _ again. _ He had already accepted his fate, but yet...those icy eyes stared down at him with a gaze far, far too pained. 

“But you do, don’t you?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!!! Please look forward to the next chapter (whenever that comes out)!!!!


	3. Losing Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nines knows it's impossible to know, but he does.
> 
> And Gavin does too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiii I'm not dead but I'm definitely going to be rather soon!! Exams and all that are going to end me :'D 
> 
> Thank you all for your kind words and patience though!! Big kudos to @LinkeyBlue for the really nice comment! You really made me motivated to finish this chapter, which I had only in bits and pieces until a few days ago;;
> 
> I hope you all enjoy, the story continues!

“But you do, don’t you?”

Nines knows that’s impossible; Gavin could never have known that there are hostages inside of a hideout they were only informed of today, but then again, he knows that _he’s_ not supposed to know either. He’s not supposed to know the number of assailants (exactly three), the identity of each (Daniel Collins, Farley Wurst, Michael McHurden), or what weapon they each are currently wielding (Collins and Wurst have .22 caliber guns, McHurden a rusty crowbar). No, it’s physically impossible for him to know any of that.

And yet he does.

And he’s sure Gavin does too.

He’s having a hard time processing both of those facts. He doesn’t know what prompted him to know, to _r͜em̨em̶b̧e͘r͠,_ but he has memories, brief flickers of footage that until now he couldn’t process. It had made him feel uneasy throughout the entire day since he woke up with those bits and pieces forcefully jolting him out of stasis. It really put him on edge when he could tell that Gavin was hiding something from him, but it was only when he saw Gavin’s hand reach for the doorknob—no. It was when he heard him say he was going to be fine, followed by a sudden prompt that told him Gavin was lying, did something click within him.

He couldn’t have known that Gavin was lying, there were no micro expressions to back up such a conclusion, but yet Nines found something within him that yelled **HE̟̟̯̭͖’͉̱͓̟̬͚̬͡S̴̘͔̬ L̴̩̠Ỵ͖̗̮͎̼I̘N҉͓̹̱̫G̮** from deep within his wife’s.

He looked back towards the door. They have been standing here for quite some time, and Nines could tell that the hostiles were starting to get a bit restless.

His eyes glanced towards Gavin, whose expression was still one of utter shock and disbelief and somehow he didn’t expect Nines to know, to remember—

_h͢o̕w̛ ̵ma̛ny̸ time͠s͞ had he go̴ne ̛thro̸u̵gh̵ t͠his with͡out͏ h͞im kn͡ow̴i̴n͢g҉?_

The thought makes something glitch within him, and Nines knows that he neither has the time to find the answer nor _wants_ to know right this second. _It͞ ̢m̶i̵g҉h̵t͝ ͠b͜rea͜k̛ ̴him͏.̶ ͝Hȩ c͢an’t a̧ffor̶d̸ ͏that r͢ight now.͝_

Without any sort of prompt, his hand goes for the door at a speed that doesn’t catch Gavin’s attention until he’s already shoved it wide open. He has to do this _n̴̕o͢w_.

“Nines, wait—!!”

Shots whip right past him. Admittedly, he didn’t have much of a plan or preconstruction before throwing himself in, but it almost like something was filling in the pieces of a preconstruction, _like he already knew what was going to transpire._

**Right, 2cm.**

**Left, 3cm.**

**Left, 6cm.**

He doesn't know who or what is prompting him, but they lead him to smoothly and efficiently dodge the incoming bullets with a good margin of error. It almost feels like autopilot, his body lunging straight at the closest suspect ( _GET̛̕ ҉̡͜C̵̷o͏̵LL̵i͝N̸͝s̨̨͢ F͢i͞R̨͡s͏̕t҉̸_ ) before going right for his neck, which made a sickening crushing sound before Nines let go of him to fall right onto the ground with a sickening _thud._ Something within him laments that he is unable to revel in the sound as there are still more people **_responsible for Gavin’s death_ ** right beside him.

The thought suddenly stirs something deep within him, something _dark_ and _heavy_ and quickly all-consuming that he doesn’t even register the fact that he knew Gavin died.

For a moment (for more than a moment?) he finds himself feeling as if he’s not in full, conscious control of his body. Both the feeling and the realization should scare him, but for some reason, the android finds himself accepting it for once; letting his emotions get the better of his usually rational self. Control was not something he always liked to lose, he supposed, especially since he is always reminded that he was (is?) meant to be nothing more than a machine following orders. It was nice to be able to lose control this way, though. This wasn’t him simply obeying orders, oh no—quite the opposite, actually; he lost control to the very thing he was supposed to shut down: _emotions_. In some cruel way, he quite enjoyed losing himself for a bit, paying no mind to any external sounds (screaming, yelling, cries of pain) or any visual stigma (blood, lots of blood).

Nines re-entered reality only when he heard Gavin yell sharply into his audio processors.

“Nines! _Stop_!”

It’s not the command that makes him stop; it’s the way he can hear Gavin’s voice _shake_ that makes him freeze right then and there. He blinks rapidly, realizing that he wasn’t paying any attention to his vision sensors. He recalibrates, and finds himself holding the collar of a bloody, unconscious Michael McHurden does he realize what he’s done. His grip immediately drops, leaving the body to _thump_ against the cold floor. He doesn’t need to scan the body to know he’s dead.

“How...how did you..-?” He snaps his head towards the uncharacteristically meek voice, but he immediately flicks his gaze off to the side, too...hesitant to see Gavin just yet.

“I…I don't know,” Nines admits quietly, slowly letting himself stand back up. His LED flickers red amongst a solid yellow for a solid moment before he braved a hesitant glance towards the detective. He doesn’t seem as fearful or disgusted as he initially believed (Nines felt his thirium pump slow down to a more stable pace at that, he didn’t what he’d do if he was afraid of him like many others), but he definitely does appear quite “shaken”, by the feat he performed, no doubt. “I believe I...must have had a recollection of confronting them before...of their bullets’ trajectories…” He pauses, processes. Slowly turns to Gavin and whispers quietly, “because I once was unable to miss them, wasn't I?” It pains him to no end, the way Gavin’s head wrenches away from him, the way his expression was twisted up with despair and hurt and pain that Nines had wished would never have reason to be there. It almost made him wish he hadn't said anything to cause him that expression, but he _immediately_ dispelled the thought; he would much, _m u c h_ rather Gavin was here, _Gavin was alive._

Slowly, as he’s coming back to his senses, Nines surveys the destruction he had just wrought, his vision quick to lay upon the other two hostiles. They're dead, beyond dead really; he doesn't even remember shooting them, or how they came to be so...damaged. For a moment, he feels the beginnings of what he’s learned is disgust and shame well up within him, but then brief, staticky flashes of Gavin’s lifeless body make their way into his vision (f҉ŗǫm ͟wh̛e͠re?), and the feeling is quick to dissipate and be replaced with the fleeting regret of not being able to hit them right in the artery so that they could experience a _slow_ , _painful_ death, but alas, this would have to do. There was no way to bring back the dead, desire as he might.

Nines pauses at the thought. He turns his head back towards Gavin.

Well, he supposed that may not actually be so accurate, considering the current circumstances. That being said, he had _questions._

“Gavin—“ he starts, because he saw no need to “sugarcoat” things at the moment. There were too many pressing matters at hand that Nines really needed to be clarified, especially concerning _the fact that he knew and Gavin himself knew that he was going to D͜͝I̵̡ ̢E͝._

However, before he could even get a single question out, Nines found the words dying in his voice processor as he felt himself confused and suddenly wary at the sudden spikes he detected in the detective’s stress levels. “We—we have to go,” Gavin whispered shakily under his breath, seemingly more directed towards himself than anything. His sensors picked up on how his pupils were heavily contracted and darting between him and a random spot on the floor below him.

“Why? What is—“ Without any warning, Gavin suddenly tackled him right in the chest. Usually, with Nines being a state-of-the-art android, it would have been impossible for someone of such small stature as Gavin to even budge him, as he’s tried many a time when they had started their partnership, but from both being caught off guard and still slightly overwhelmed by everything that has been happening, the RK900 couldn’t stop himself from losing his footing and landing the both of them to the ground, Nines’s arms darting out and wrapping around Gavin to protect him as they did out of pure instinct.

He doesn’t even have any time to question Gavin as his audio processors pick up the distinct sound of wood and concrete _crumbling_ , his eyes widening at such a noise. He tilted his head to get a better view, and he stared in utter disbelief at the large hole in the ground where he once stood. That—that can’t have happened. The interior durability of this building, although old, was substantial, or at least sturdy enough that his scanners told him there shouldn’t have been any danger for either of them.

“Fuck—that’s why I _said—“_ Gavin let out a string of curses as he pulled away from Nines (leaving him feeling oddly co̢l̷d) and scrambled to his feet, his hand grabbing ahold of the sleeve of his now-dusty RK900-model jacket (the one he can’t ever seem to part with). “C’mon, let's get the fuck out of here, _now_ .” He would have protested, not demanded but perhaps insist he know more of what’s going on. He really didn’t like feeling this overwhelmed with confusion and dread, but there was a sense of urgency and _pleading_ to Gavin’s voice that made Nines allow him to drag him and file the numerous questions in his head for later.

“...Alright, Gavin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked it! I'm sorry it took so long to update, and I'm not sure when the next one will be up, but stay tuned (and deviant ;) ) until then!


	4. Time and Time Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AhhHhHhhhHh HI hello I'm alive life has just been happening to me and time slipped whoops BUT I'M ALIVE AND WITH AN UPDATE! 
> 
> Thank you so much to LinkeyBlue for their [amazing fanart!](https://imgur.com/p6lve8q)!

Fuck. Fuck fuck  _ fuck fuck  _ **_fuck_ ** . 

Gavin knew he was probably hissing curses both in his head and out loud under his breath as he practically dragged Nines through the building. He was too fucking busy wracking his brain for the right,  _ safe _ path. He hadn’t gone past the room full of hostiles in a long,  _ long _ time, probably a few fucking hundreds of runs, so  _ excuse him _ if he couldn’t fucking remember which areas of the floor were going to fucking crumble right underneath them or which parts of the ceiling would oh so  _ conveniently _ break and crash right as they passed by. 

He skidded to a halt right before they came to the stairs, his arm darting out to stop Nines before he could step onto the crumbling floor. He remembered he himself had fallen straight through that the first time he had gone through this, when he had frantically tried to get him and Nines out of that building the first time. 

“Gavin--” Nines tried to talk, but Gavin immediately tugged on his arm and led him in a different direction.

“This way.” He really,  _ really _ didn’t want to have the conversation Nines surely wanted ( one they already had once upon a time ) right now; his mind was still reeling over the fucking Inception-like dodging Nines had done just a few minutes ago, and he really couldn’t afford to be distracted right now. 

God he couldn’t fucking tell if he hated that new things were happening. It had been a long,  _ long _ time since the last time anything new had happened. Gavin honestly thought he had exhausted all choices he could possibly have al-fucking-ready, but he guessed fucking not. Whatever God or higher power or whatever-the-fuck was doing to this was really going to wring out his suffering, huh? 

He tightened his grip on the android as he led them down the stairs, purposefully skipping a few steps that crumbled just as Nines hopped over them. It was the 8th step, then the 11th, then the 13th, then--fuck, which one after that? 

_ Wait.  _ **_Fuck_ ** . “Nines!” Gavin frantically grabbed his Cyberlife-issued jacket when the stairstep the android just put his feet underneath suddenly crumbled, his nails digging into the fabric as he  _ pulled _ like his fucking life depended on it (really, it did). Unfortunately  (yet somewhere in the back of his head sneered  _ not surprisingly _ ) , the wooden step that he put his weight into  _ just so happened _ to crumble as he dug his heels into it, causing him to feel a sharp spike of panic and adrenaline just before the two of them went falling. 

For a brief moment he feels like he’s not even in his own body, but then he felt strong, familiar arms wrap tightly around him as air rushed into his ears, snapping him back to his senses.

_ Oh no you fucking don’t _ .

Gritting his teeth, he shifts himself and pushes Nines so that the android  _ doesn’t _ get to use his own fking body as a cushion for him. Time and time again, he’s seen—felt— _ experienced _ Nines using himself as Gavin’s own shield, whether it be for bullets, for knives, for falls like these. He was tired of it, and he swore  _ he was never going to fucking let that happen  _ **_another_ ** _ time _ . 

Fuck--Nines realized what he’s trying to do though, and Gavin finds himself wrestling with the android on who’s using who as their fucking cushion for what felt like an eternity before Nines, at the last second, is able to tilt his body so that he was under Gavin just as they crashed into the ground. 

The impact of hard metal immediately punched the air out of his lungs and Gavin was left gasping as pain lit up the entirety of his body  _ (fuck, even after all these fucking times—) _ _. _

Once he’s back to his senses, he immediately feels his blood go cold with dread.

“Nines?!” Fuck, fuck,  _ fuck _ \-- _ was he okay?!  _ He can’t do this without him, _ he can’t do this without Nines, he swears to  _ **_fuck he’ll reset if he needs to--_ **

He feels something cool tightly hold onto his wrist while another rests against his cheek, snapping him out of his thoughts. “I’m...alright, Gavin.” The detective blinks as he feels Nines’s thumb gently wipe away something on his cheek, and he suddenly realizes he’s  _ crying _ . 

Once upon a time, he might have pushed him away and tried to cover himself up, because  _ blah blah Gavin Reed does not cry or whatever _ , but again, that was a long fucking time ago, and now he honestly will take anything he can get. 

He leans into Nines’s hand, breathing out a shaky “ _ fuck _ ” as he uses his other not-gripped hand to wipe the tears trailing down his cheek from the other side of his face. “I...don’t scare me like that again, tin can.” He closes his eyes as flashes of other times he was laying on a pile of dented metal and blue blood flickered in his vision. “ _ I thought I lost you again,”  _ he whispers under his breath, more for himself than anything, really. Air escapes his lips once more as he lets himself relax for just one fucking second against the android’s chest. 

“...Gavin…” Nines whispers quietly, but Gavin doesn’t say anything—he’s too scared that his voice might waver if he even tries. 

So instead there’s a moment of silence between the two of them, and Gavin honestly relishes the peace for just a moment as the relief of knowing that Nines was fucking  _ okay and not dead _ outweighed his anxiety of more bad things happening to them. Quietly, Nines shifts to sit up, and Gavin lets him, though they both seem to share the mutual idea of not letting go of each other, Gavin’s fingers tugging on Nines’s sleeves still as Nines hands slid to rest against his arms. 

A beat passed. “...How many times?” Nines suddenly speaks up, and Gavin snaps out of his reverie and darts his head up to look at him, eyes growing wide open as he realizes the android’s voice was fucking  _ shaking.  _ He bit his lip and looked away. He doesn’t need to ask what he’s referring to, and honestly, it’s fucking weird that way and he’s still confused as shit as to what’s going on with that, but he supposed he can only handle one fucking oddity at a time. 

“I don't know what you're talking about,” he lied. He, at the very least, thought that Nines was gonna give him that unamused look he always gave when it was obvious he was fucking lying, which was why he was taken aback when he saw the android’s usually-blank eyes become glassy and wet and so full of emotion that Gavin could never understand how he used to find them so cold. It made his heart ache in a way that it hadn't since the last time he had seen Nines die. 

“How many times?” Nines whispered again, his usually composed expression breaking with a heavy frown and a wobbly lip with eyes full of sadness and tears threatening to fall. “How many times have I failed you?” Fuck, Gavin’s heart was fucking  _ breaking _ . 

“Nines, that's, that's not--”

_ “How many times?!”  _ Gavin flinched before going into full-on panic mode when the android suddenly breaks down. Nines held his hands against his face and  _ sobbed _ , his form hunched over as tears flowed down his cheeks. Gavin, being the social shitshow he is, scrambled over what to do before his arms haphazardly pulled Nines into an embrace.

“H-hey, hey, Nines,  _ Nines _ ,” he tried to soothe him, his hand rubbing circles in his back in an attempt to comfort him. “I'm--you didn't fail me, Nines, you never did, I just--” Fuck, he'd never been good with words. He’d never gone through this either; through all the times Gavin had told him what was really happening, Nines had never cried before, much less like  _ this _ . It made the detective's heart ache in ways he thought it could never do anymore. 

He didn’t want to just babble out nonsense that wasn’t going to do anything for either of them, so the detective tightened his grip around the android and continued to rub his back, mind racing for what the fuck he was supposed to say in a situation like this. It had been...it had been so long since he was able to have a moment of fucking peace like this, of just holding Nines in his arms without having to constantly fear what was to come. 

Maybe that was why he was willing to just be honest this time around. Might as well, right? If they were going to just have to repeat everything again...he might as well spill at least once, when it seemed that Nines desperately wanted the truth now that his eyes weren’t clouded to it anymore. 

“I’m, fuck, I dunno.” Gavin desperately wanted to run a hand through his hair, but he didn’t want to let go of the android and instead just dug his fingers into his jacket. “Lost count after, what, hundred—something?”  _ Well fuck.  _ “It's probably been at least a few years or so.” 

That made a wrecked, glitched sob tear out of Nines, one that made Gavin immediately regret ever uttering those words out loud. He didn’t dare to say anything else that might fuck things up even more, so he simply held the shaking android in his arms and rested his chin against his shoulder while the android buried his face into his own shoulder.

He closed his eyes, praying that whatever sadistic-ass god out there doing this to him—to  _ them _ would just allow them to have this moment. Fuck knows how many cycles of dying and watching the one he fucking cared about die at least granted him  _ something _ , right? 

He knew, as he held the advanced android in his arms, that he didn’t  _ have _ to make his life a priority over his own. He’s never tried finding out what the world was like after Nines would get shot (or would he get shot trying to save him? He wasn’t sure what came first anymore).  

He didn’t care to, honestly, because he knew, time and time again, he’d much rather choose a repeated moment with Nines than an eternity without. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! Come yell at me and give requests at [my tumblr (mycelle-hell)](https://mycelle-hell.tumblr.com) if you'd like!


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